IT'S TOILET LEARNING, NOT POTTY TRAINING!
From birth, the child has been working non-stop to not only adapt to the world in which she finds herself, but also to gain control of her body and her mind and the integration of the two in order to achieve wholeness. She has mastered language and movement--she can talk and walk and feed herself. Most importantly, she can give consent by saying yes or no. Now, the last step in this process is gaining control of the bodily function of elimination.
We think of it not so much as “training” or “teaching” the child, but rather, we want to increase the child’s awareness about their bodily functions and how they relate to the toilet because our goal is independence. We must understand that increasing the child’s toilet awareness is a process, and not a one-time thing.
There is an optimal time (barring any developmental problems) for this process to happen because the child is most sensitive to it, and that is between 18 and 24 months[1]. Waiting until the child is 30 months increases the likelihood of problems.
However, we can’t just start off by expecting the child to use the toilet. We must first observe the child and provide assistance to her by preparing the environment and preparing ourselves for this process. Let’s take a look at the Montessori approach to toileting.
There are certain signs that we look for in the child to let us know if we can begin. The first sign we look for as we think about toilet learning is for the required physical maturation of the alimentary system and increasing voluntary control of the urinary and anal sphincters; and neurological maturation of the brain through the process of myelination which leads to the child walking. The child needs to be at least walking before we can start toilet learning, and the ability to walk depends solely on the maturation of the brain. We can support the child by offering opportunities for unrestricted movement from birth, but when it comes to actually walking, it is the child’s brain that calls the shots.
The second sign that we look for is the child’s awareness of their body and its functions. Is she able to identify the internal sensations that lead up to the elimination of feces or urine? Has he made the connection between the full bladder and his soiled underwear?. Moving from diapers to underwear takes some adjustment on the child's part to the new sensations that they were not experiencing before. However, once the child develops an awareness of this, then they can be freed from the routine of automatically going ever so often and can now listen to their body to know when it's time to eliminate. This is one major reason why we advocate re-usable diapers.
The third sign we look for, and this is probably the most crucial one, is the child’s desire to engage in this process. If the child is not willing, then you cannot proceed. We have to keep in mind that this is the child’s work and responsibility, not ours. All we can do is provide support, opportunities and encouragement and wait for the desire to appear.
Once we observe those signs in the child, we are ready to begin. And now the fourth element needed for this process is the knowledgeable adult. We are the ones who will create the routine for this activity. So we need to be sure that the steps are clear for the child to follow and we will have just the necessary steps, nothing extra. We orient the child step by step until she is capable of being independent.
Next, we prepare the environment based on the child’s needs: the size of his body, how much control he has over his body, and his level of movement. Can he sit independently? Can he reach the toilet and the sink? We also need to prepare the child’s clothing in a way that will support his independence: how easily can he put on or take off his pants and underpants? If a skirt or dress is involved, is it too long for the child to manage?
It’s important that there is nothing hindering the child’s ability to access the toilet as quickly as possible so as to prevent any misses. (See article on Toileting at Home the Montessori Way for specifics about preparing the environment.)
Finally, and most importantly, we need to prepare ourselves because our attitude towards these natural body functions will play an important role in the child’s success. We all have conscious and unconscious feelings about elimination, from the words we use to describe our body parts involved in these processes to the products of elimination. We need to use the correct terms with the child, so we will say urinate and defecate. We use the proper terms for all the body parts (penis, scrotum, vagina, anus).
If all this talk makes us uncomfortable, then it means we have some hang-ups about this that we need to work through because we do not want them carried over to the next generation. We want them to know everything about their body and to feel that elimination is a natural part of living. We give the child as much freedom within limits, understanding that they will want to discover their body and we have to release control. The elimination process is totally their responsibility, our job is to follow their lead, within reason and with the necessary privacy (we don’t need to follow them into the bathroom or discuss in detail what was eliminated), understanding that they are ultimately the ones in control of this process.
Now that we are ready to start thinking about how, let's look at some other very important considerations with regard to what else the child may need us to do so that they can be successful.
The child needs to have unfettered access to the toilet and the space needs to be well-prepared to ensure success. Placing all the items the child needs within reach will make the process much easier for the child to participate in and ultimately internalize.
The adults, and older children, serve as models for the child to understand proper use of the toilet. When the child sees us using the toilet, they get a better understanding of the purpose and the process, which increases their chance of success.
This is the work of the adult--to maintain that consistency to help the child adapt to the new routine as quickly and painlessly as possible. Over time and with practice, the child will internalize the process and all the steps involved in it. Until that time, however, they will need to rely on the adult to help them through it. The child also needs consistency in the process, so once we start using underwear, we need to continue with that and not switch between disposable diapers and underwear as this gives the child conflicting messages about elimination and will prolong the toileting process as it hinders the child's awareness that the body is eliminating.
This covers everything from underwear to outerwear and requires careful consideration and preparation as with everything else in this process. (See article on Toileting at Home the Montessori Way for more about clothing.)
[1] Rosemond, John. "Toilet training time may need rethinking." Houston Chronicle, Jan. 28, 2000
SOURCES
1. Vidales, Dora. AMI 0-3 Trainer lecture notes. 2023
2. Orion, Judi. AMI 0-3 Trainer lecture notes. 2008
3. Rosemond, John. “Toilet training time may need rethinking“. Houston Chronicle, Jan 28, 2000
4. Moudry,Sarah. Toilet Awareness. 2021.
Rhonda Lucas-Sabater is an AMI Auxiliary Trainer at the Primary (3-6) level. She is the mother of five Montessori children and the co-founder of a public charter Montessori school in Washington, DC. She is also AMI trained at the Assistants to Infancy (O-3), Primary (3-6), and Elementary (6-12) levels and is an AMI certified Adolescent guide. She currently works in Maryland in a Young Children's Community serving children 18 months to 2.5 years.
